First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
