I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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