i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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