My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
