when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
two words...techno handjob
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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