Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
