If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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