Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
