You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just found puke in my bra..
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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