i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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