i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
