He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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