Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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