well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
wow bdsm is so cute
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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