My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
