i love accidental penises.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
