My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I did not marry a roomba.
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