I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
