i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
