I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize