if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
