Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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