I think i peed on brittanys purse
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
