she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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