his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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