I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
