i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You can't special order awesome
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
