Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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