I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
