1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
