Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
