Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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