how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
