Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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