The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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