I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
