I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
