Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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