Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
