Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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