why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
