If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
