note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
