what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
