I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
