do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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