pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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