Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
