I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
