just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
