Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
