I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My pussy is not your playground.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
