you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
