Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
The best revenge is premature balding
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
