Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
