you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize