he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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