he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
