Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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