What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
