i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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