Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize