The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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