We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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