I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
