a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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