i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize