You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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