hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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